Tuesday, April 14, 2015

April is c-section awareness month (a birth story)

I just learned April is cesarean section month. First off I didn't know their was such a thing, and I think that is great. I was reading (tearfully) all these birthing stories (as most women do) and began to think back on mine. As most all articles circling c-sections are about the disappointment and shame a mother feels for being unable to do what she deems "born to do" (and I felt this too trust me) this article I read, shared on a friends wall, was the first that mentioned the real fear and loneliness you get in the operating room, cold table, room full of people you've probably never met, needles, doctors and nurses rushing, worried looking themselves, all this with no one to hold your hand, that fear that comes then is probably one of the worst, for me anyway. I was very dependent on my husband for that moral/emotional support and he wasn't permitted to be there. Anywho, that brought me to share my birth story, as I realized I never have.

My Birth Story

I knew how this would go, I was in perfect pregnancy health. Baby was growing great, I stayed in the normal weight range, perfect bp, perfect sugar levels, all was great. Bags packed ready for labor to start. I knew soon it would start, we would go to hospital, have horrendous labor pains, strenuous pushing and bam! beautiful baby girl.  Only it didn't go that smooth. It never really goes as you plan (well not for anyone I know anyway). Labor happened,

(here we are all checked in, ready to be parents!)

and kept happening, and then kept happening with assist of pitosin drip, from about 3pm Tuesday till 5:49am Thursday (that's over 30 hours here ppl). My Dr. was a gem, and a man who believed in prayer, he kept letting us pray and try for natural birth, he knew I wanted it badly, but my body just wouldn't do it. Her heart rate dropped to 20bpm, she was in distress, she was dying.

(this was not what i had expected)

 I was whisked away, scared more than ever, doctors were running, throwing coats on, tossing tools, I could see and hear their worry, which made mine worse. I cried. They finally let husband in to hold my hand just before they took her out. His hands were sweating more than mine. They showed her to me for a brief second proclaiming "beautiful baby girl" and she was gone, and so was hubs and I was alone again. And she was not beautiful. She looked awful, I laid there the whole hour and a half alone, in and out, between the meds and fact I hadn't slept in days, worried to death, wondering if she had even made it. She had a dark purple ring around her head for days, besides being severely cone headed, where contractions were trying to force her skull through a dilation of only 4. Failure? oh yes, I felt it. That wasn't the worst part. I missed the first cry, first bath, all that stuff, stuck on a stupid table in a room by myself for hours. Then, so medicated afterwords I couldn't hold her. It stinks, all that planning out the window. And healing, well, I'm a trooper, and it was rough. Very painful, I couldn't bend over and pick my baby up, or get out of bed alone for a week. Is this a rant... it kindof sounds like a rant to me now.  But she was healthy, and I was healthy, and in the end that really is all that matters. I'm blessed, we were both blessed that she is here with us, see how that works? :)

(here I am holding her, finally :) 

And then comes baby #2. Naturally the surprise was gone, it wasn't going too be bad. Planned c-section, we knew what was happening. Everything went smoothly, I knew what to expect.
 I was really only afraid for that alone time while getting all prepped and poked and ready to operate, until hubs entered, held my hand, and all was well again. They briskly showed me my "beautiful baby boy" and he and hubs were gone again. Anesthesiologist gone, Dr gone, just me and one nurse I didn't know, alone, in recovery. Then I started to vomit. Now, this is normal in child birth, and if I had a "natural birth" would have been fine. I vomited for the entire hour, and then still when they brought me to my room. I was numb from surgery so I couldn't tell the heaving had torn my inside stitches apart and that I was bleeding to death internally.

(and this is what I look like dying. . . see I can laugh about it now)

 Had God not intervened days later through much prayers, I wouldn't be here today. My stomach stayed purple for a year or more.  But again, worst part was that all that time I was getting treated, and having 2 simultaneous blood transfusions and what not, someone else was caring for my newborn son. I pumped so I could breast feed, but I really feel I missed the first week of his life. Much thanks to family for lots of pics and videos though. :)  But again, finally, I was healthy, he was healthy, and in the end that really is all that matters. Blessed, that's what we are.

(my torn tummy hurt to bad to sit up, I had to side hold him, but i got to hold him)

Baby #3 was much easier. Seeing it had been 6 years, I hoped and prayed for the chance to try a vbac, so yes, when surgery day came I was let down, but I really had expected it. The only bad part of surgery was fear of the vomiting happening again, but I expressed my concerns to the anesthesiologist, who was very accommodating. Wish I had his name, he was a blessing. When Dr. got me open and went to bring our daughter out, she said "woa dad, get your camera ready" then the nurses started counting with her "1, 2, 3, 4, 5!!" wow, the cord was wrapped around her neck 5 times!! "God has a plan for this one!" the Dr. said, as she finished by telling me in all her years (30+) of delivering, she has never seen it wrapped that many times.  If I had had a natural birth as "I" wanted, we may very well both have died. So again, very, very blessed, all well.

     So, if anyone actually read all this, I thank you :) you too probably had your own birthing story that happened nothing like you had imagined or planned. Its been over 9 years since baby #1, and looking back, though c-sections are definitely not what I had planned, and If i could choose( I'd def go back and have them all natural in a heartbeat if i could), I'm very thankful for my experience, and my family, which without the intervention of a c-section birth, wouldn't be.  My family has came about through means which I hadn't wanted, but none of that really matters, because they are here. C-sections are rough, I wont lie. I still have persistent problems, nagging pains, odd shaped belly, etc from them.  But I'm beyond blessed that I got to keep all my babies, and out of 3, that none had to be in the NICU (we've had lots of other family there though). I may not have got to be the 1st to hold any of my children, but I hold them still today, and that means more than anything.  Not all mothers can say that. (and those mothers are the real heroes, the ones who keep pressing on)

God Bless :)

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